What really destroyed my faith? The Illogical Hell Concept and Christianity's Vilification of Honest Seekers/Doubters

http://fantastyfreak.blogspot.com/2011/03/standing-up-for-honest-inquisitive.html

   On my main blog,back in March, I wrote this disheartening account of a preacher who was excommunicated not for something lecherous but for something far more tamer and human. He was fired for questioning the "existence" of hell. The congregation reacted in a sanctimonious manner: "What? You don't "BELIEVE" in hell doubtlessly! I mean, we question it time to time but to effectively doubt is a transgression."

 Imagine the angels appearing to Jacob acting like this congregation? Would they stand and reprove Jacob for being unable to not wrestle the angel in a period of intense doubt? Throughout the Bible, nearly all the Biblical character has occurrences of doubt. Some of them even question "God," much like the Jews who put God on trial during the holocaust. They are grappling with both their confused lives and the ineffable idea of God simultaneously. None of them invoked their spiritual safety blanket of abstruse doctrines to deflect unwanted doubts and thoughts that are a natural feature of humanity. So, what Bible are some Christians reading if they think doubt is something so criminal or unnatural?

   How could no one doubt the existence of hell? Its wholly illogical and paradoxical like most dry theological doctrines. As with most Christian doctrines, there are an innumerable amount of different ideas about hell. But, all of them seem to deprive the believer of any sense of compassion or humanity. When I was a Christian, it was demoralizing and shocking to hear so many Christians repulsively say that they accept an idea of God who would banish agnostics, atheists, people with mental disabilities to hell for simply not believing their abridged version of Christianity? Essentially, we could accidentally be placed in hell for not following the correct doctrines. Basically, this idea of the Christian hell makes God become some obtuse forensic God that scrutinized us for any imperfection that might not make us one of the "elect."

   One of the most perplexing paradoxes of this construct of hell lies with "How can we be mindlessly happy in heaven when we're mindful of the fact that some of our loved ones and friends might not be heaven?" Remember that creepy pastor at the pulpit mournfully saying: "Only a few will enter through the crevice into heaven while everyone else albeit those who "TRULY BELIEVE" will smolder for eternity in some large pot of boiling hot lava." Weirdly, this sort of disparaging, inhuman message crept its way into a funeral I once attended. To me, there is nothing more abject  than using a person's funeral as a platform to scare people into believing in this monstrous idea of God. Its no wonder that at the end of the funeral, I was left crying over the hopelessness and emptiness of mainstream Christian belief. Perhaps, I was grieving for all those wonderful people who will be in hell just because they did not believe properly. Even writing this makes me both aggravated and sad.

    Think of all the parents and families who have lost someone due to suicide? In some Christian doctrines, people who have committed suicide are commonly depicted as being hell-bound because they had no chance to repent of the sin of suicide. Shouldn't religion be comforting in these very grievous situations? Except, the Christian idea of hell instead poses as a very abrasive, venomous idea that triples the sadness of "suicide" and incriminates the family (who already feel responsible for the suicide though they're not..) for not preventing the victim from committing this unforgivable sin. Let's not get started with the suicide victims that might have also been gay! There have been instances of churches denying funeral rites to deceased loved ones who just happened to be gay. Again, Where is the supposed love and forgiveness of Christianity in these tragic circumstances? Is Christian doctrine, beneath the supposed edifying facade of compassion, really as malicious as the idea of hell for a majority of humans?

      According to this doctrine, I'm bound to hell and so are millions of others who honestly sought truth in their lives. Not every Christian believes this. I've recently rediscovered Madeleine L'Engle's writings which are the antithesis of the damning messages of mainstream Christianity. Her stories showcase someone who is authentically seeking a loving God that isn't what she titles the schoolyard bully, the maniacal, condescending Forensic God. To me, I am very attracted to her idea of God because her faith seems real and isn't dependent on forceful belief in tons of doctrines. Her idea of God is open to mystery and to the hope that God truly does supersede us. Some Christian doctrines pin God down unnecessarily and makes him pretty unreasonable. Who wants to believe in a God who says that a loving Buddhist is going to hell for not following the right religion? How about the large number of people who suffer from mental disabilities that prevents them from believing lucidly in these preposterous doctrines?

   Autistic kids are brilliant in different ways than we are. Many of them might not be able to believe in God in the stringent way fundamentalists believe in him. Perhaps, these individuals are showing that we can't place too much importance on our thoughts. Religions historically have been about freeing the "ego" from its centrist view. Christianity forces that "ego" in a mind prison where we are to only thoughtlessly believe in a number of silly doctrines to earn our way into heaven.   There are values such as humility, forgiveness, and compassion embedded in Christianity. Yet, Christianity undermines them by strictly enforcing belief over these things. Agnostics and atheists are often treated as scourge worse than people who have harmed another human being. Its absolutely ridiculous that a religion that presents themselves as "moral" seems to be immoral by righteously believing and reconciling the idea that so many people are bound to hell.

   In Karen Armstrong's "Spiral Staircase," Karen finds serenity in the idea that God is "unknowable." This is my current freeing idea of God. Like her, my recovery from Christianity has been a slow process of finding myself and not being afraid of my own thoughts. For my whole life, I've suffered from OCD that was exacerbated by Christianity. To love God, I had to effectively begin repressing myself and despising myself until I skillfully couldn't find God for me. If there is a hell, being a Christian was like being in hell where I tried to deny myself both my imagination and empathy.

     During one of my deepest depressions,  I had harrowing visions of being part of a crowd of people admitted to heaven that were congratulating God on being judicious when choosing those who are unfit for heaven. This sequence might have been partly inspired by sequences in historical movies where innocent victims are being sent to the gallows and the crowd effusively cheers for their deaths. In my heaven vision, it was even worse because these same people had false smiles and were cheering on the deaths of a number of my friends who weren't Christians. One of them was my best friend on Earth who was one of the kindest people I knew yet she was in the line going to hell just because she was an agnostic. Another of my friends was gay and they exemplified many of the virtues that believe so highly in yet they were going to hell because God was weirdly blind to any examples of love outside of Christianity.

   Soon enough, I began cheering because sadness was banned in heaven. But internally, I did not feel any semblance of happiness at all. Instead, I was being forced against my compassionate spirit to cheer for their deaths even if some part of me felt torn to pieces. Being in heaven was like wearing the masks provided at the Capulet masquerade party in Romeo and Juliet. Within Shakespeare's beautiful plays, there is always an emphasis on the dichotomy of our socially accepted, orthodox selves and that interior self that contains our true thoughts. Doesn't Christianity preach that our treasures lies eternally, that our very mysterious selves represent the enigma that is God? If we cannot fully understand other people, How do we understand God with so much false lucidity? In Hamlet, an appalled Hamlet asks: "You would pluck the mystery of me right out of myself.." (not a direct quote). When this curmudgeonly, tyrannical God judges us, does he forcefully pluck the mystery of our minds, our interior selves and only focus on all the sordid details of ourselves separate from our humanity? 

    Writing this entire entry made it clear to me that leaving Christianity was my only choice to spare myself from the cruel, inhibiting darkness of Plato's cave of unenlightened dwellers who dare not question anything? I couldn't be part of a religion that prides itself on a hell belief that reflects the sanctimonious attitude of some believers. I recall some very disturbing exchanges with some Christians that were spoken in cold voices... "Well, you just have to accept it..." What? I have to accept the dark idea of so many people are going to hell. I have to condemn my empathy for these people. Selfishly, I have to believe in forcing them into a religion only to supposedly save them but simultaneously destroy their individuality all the same.

There are countless numbers of wonderful Christians. Writers like Madeleine L'Engle insure me that there are many who are also very artistic, liberated believers. But personally, I cannot find that shred of freedom that many more progressive Christians are discovering for themselves. Right now, I only clutch a "hope" for a God that is truly transcendent for why would a divine being that is supposedly be better than us reflect the worst elements of ourselves? Do we forget that many of the Old testament figures were as contradictory  and flawed as Shakespeare's characters? Yet, both these sets of characters are like us because we really are flawed yet consistently, many of strive to be moral. We are paradoxical and to think otherwise is to delude yourself into thinking you're better than others and worthier of salvation. In Greek myths, this is called "hubris" and I think that is mainstream Christianity's fatal Shakespearean flaw.